which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
