All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
