seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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