She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
