found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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