Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
