I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
