My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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