The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
