These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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