Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
