i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
