someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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