highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
