so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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