my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Randomize
