If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
