I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
