can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
