Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
