Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
