I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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