Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
