I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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