paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
