By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
