I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
