I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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