i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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