got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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