i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
