The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It's rum buckets o'clock
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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