i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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