I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
