Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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