he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
