I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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