i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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