i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
