This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
