My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
