She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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