i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I faked an abortion last night.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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