Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
