why didn't you poke me back
im drinking this country out of the recession.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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