we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
