Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
