Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Still dying that you shit outside
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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