Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Is it because I queefed?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
