He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
