I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
