Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
