Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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