Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
