you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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