I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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