I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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