He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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