woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
